'Twas the Night Before Christmas and all through the land,
Not a Yankee was stirring, not even Cashman.
Stockings not red were hung at the Stadium with care
In hopes that Drew and Tanaka soon would sign there,
The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of the Sandman danc'd in their heads,
And Mama in her visor, and I in my NY cap,
Had just settled our brains for a long winter's nap --
When out on the grass there arose such a clatter
I sprang from my box seats to see if it was a batter.
Away to the plexiglass I flew like a flash,
Tore open the shades, and threw my beer in the trash.
The moon through the frieze lit the new fallen snow,
Giving the luster of mid-day to the ball field below;
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a man in a hat, it was Derek Jeter,
With a group of petite women, so lively and quick,
I already knew that this man's luck made me sick.
More rapid then Ellsbury, his courters they came,
And he took their cell phones as he called them by name:
"Now! Alba, now! Carey! now! Biel and Union,
On! Minka, on! Brewster! Banks and Johansson;
To the short right field porch! To the center field wall!
Now go to your places, I have time for you all!"
As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky;
So up to their places the courters they flew,
Sans cell phones, hoping to be with #2:
And then in a twinkling I heard on the roof
The prancing and pawing of someone aloof.
As I drew in my head, and was turning around,
Into the box suite, A-Rod came tumbling down
He was dressed in Armani from his head to his foot,
And his clothes were all tarnished like his run at the record book;
A bundle of P.E.D.s was flung on his back,
And he looked like a PEDdler just caught in the act;
His eyes how they burned like the color of cherry,
His cheeks were like roses, his arms were like Barry's
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow
And the beard on his chin--don't let Steinbrenner know!
The wad of bubble gum he held tight in his teeth,
As he turned to the window to see his friend Jeet.
Right behind him came a tall man with a belly
That shook when he laughed, like a bowl full of jelly;
He was chubby and plump, a big jolly old elf,
I was relieved when I saw him, C.C. you're finally your self!
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head
Soon gave me to know the rotation was nothing to dread.
He spoke just few words, and went straight to his work,
Telling A-Rod to shut up; cause he was being a jerk,
And laying his finger aside of his nose
And giving a nod, out the door they both go.
They sprung to their limos, to DJ gave a whistle,
And away they all flew, like Gardner the missile
But I heard Jeter claim, ere he drove out of sight --
"Even though this team is old, we'll still be alright!"
