The Bachelor: New York Yankees Edition

You guys have all watched The Bachelor, or at least heard of it, right? This one guy goes on all these dates with these women and hands the women he wants to keep a rose at the end of the show and the one woman without one goes home. Sounds a lot like free agency, doesn’t it? Enter the 2014 New York Yankees Bachelor class:

Brandon McCarthy, you have been the anchor to my pitching staff. You were the savior when so many others left me. Here’s your rose, welcome to the 2015 Yankees.

Chris Young, I feel like the best is yet to come with some people but I don’t get that vibe with you. Thank you for the memory, you’re going home.

Hiroki Kuroda, I believe your intentions are to go back to Japan or return to the Dodgers. I would offer you a qualifying offer for that reason but the team needs to get younger. I’m sorry, it sounds like you’re going home.

David Robertson, I offered you a qualifying offer and if you decline it I will hand you a blank contract and tell you to fill it out and get back to me in the morning. Here is your rose, welcome to the 2015 Yankees.

Ichiro Suzuki, you were good while you were here and while I think Hal Steinbrenner will find a way for you to chase 3,000 hits in the Bronx again I cannot give you a rose tonight, I’m sorry but you’re going home.

Chase Headley, you are the anchor to this infield going forward. You are a great third baseman, a more than suitable backup at first base, you have played shortstop in your career, and you have played outfield at the major league level. I believe you are the most important free agent signing this winter so here’s your rose, welcome to the 2015 Yankees.

Jose Pirela, many around the league including myself consider you to be a little Martin Prado. I love flexibility, I love versatility, and I love fire. You have all three, here is your rose and welcome to the 2015 Yankees bench.

Kyle Roller, under normal circumstances I would give you a rose in a heartbeat but with suitable backups at first now in Chase Headley, Brian McCann, and other warm bodies like Alex Rodriguez, Francisco Cervelli, and Brendan Ryan manning the position this season I have to let you go. I’m sorry but you’re going home tonight.

Zoilo Almonte, I have fought and fought for your playing time and I have beat many drums in your favor and you have let me down time and time again. You are only a switch hitter on paper and your defense leaves much to be desired. I will never forget you World War Z, but I will never regret sending you home tonight. I’m sorry.

Stephen Drew, you’re not my first choice although you’re not my last either. I would like to see Asdrubal Cabrera in pinstripes as well as Jung-Ho Kang from Korea. I would have also liked to see JJ Hardy before the back issues, the decline in power, and the richest contract currently being paid to a shortstop but that’s the game these days. Here’s your rose and here is to hoping a normal offseason and a full spring training can help you get back to being what you’ve always been.

That’s it for this episode folks. Check back soon for the next edition of the New York Yankees Bachelor where we look at free agents that did not spend the 2014 season with the club. 

*notice. I saw a similar post on another Yankees site the other day. I am not copying, I had this wrote up in a draft on Saturday. Just now finishing it. Sue me.